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One of the most popular questions in my inbox at the moment is something along the lines of “My ex sent me a text saying Happy Holidays/Great result tonight/Did you see the snow? (or some other feeble message) – what should I respond with?

” Some of you are even thinking ahead and clocking up some serious energy consumption pondering what you should respond with if you get a Happy Holidays/Christmas/New Year message. There is nothing in “Happy Holidays/Great result tonight/Did you see the snow? ” that says “I love you”, “I want to get back together with you”, “I’ve changed”, “I’m sorry” or even “I’m making a great deal of effort to show you how much I care.” If you attach any of these meanings and: 1) Start imagining your future 2) Respond back by pouring out your feelings 3) Invite them around for a shag 4) Cancel your plans or put everything on hold 5) Go into a tailspin and begin ruminating about what it all means, the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda and yada yada yada 6) Call and keep calling in the hope they’ll pick up 7) Dump your current partner 8. Likewise, if you’re the sender, you shouldn’t be expecting much either.

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Joining the online dating world may seem complicated, but it is so easy.

Signing up is one of the easiest things you will ever do.

Even picking up the phone and having a conversation and arranging to meet up (somewhere neutral ideally) to progress the conversation is a reasonably good effort.

Texts are rarely a great effort unless they’re in the context of an already effort filled relationship.

Turn up at their home/office/place where they hang 9) Tell them all about themselves, or 10) Contact their new partner, you’ve had a seriously disproportionate response. You might think December offers up the perfect opportunity to reach out to your ex (read: attention seek but you may pitch it to yourself as being the bigger person or a ‘good’ person), but if a text is the best you can manage, it only goes to show that you’re trying to be risk averse and generate an ‘ideal’ maximum response out of a low effort.

Do you know what you respond with when your ex sends a text saying Happy Christmas/Holidays/New Years? This all goes back to why you must focus on building mutual relationships – when you match someone with their low effort and see their low effort for what it is, you don’t see gold where’s there’s copper – you see their lack of effort and the reflected results in your life and distance yourself, flush them, or know the limits of your interaction with them.

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