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Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell "don't" with an apostrophe. Americans arent really very good cooks, considering that they have the best ingredients to start with. Its hard to make things look the way they make them look in the cookbooks, isnt it? Then there are the all-time classics: Larousse Gastronomique and Escoffier. Julia Child couldnt get everything she knows in one book. If you have to have a cookbook, youre in big trouble.

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If I wanted to elide "I will" without the apostrophe it would come out "I11."That's another word altogether so I make an exception and spell it "I'll." Exceptions are based on nothing more than what I think might be confusing to me as I read the script aloud. "Houston, Texas, is bigger than Dallas." True, although a lot of people dont think so because theres never been a television show called Houston. NEIL ARMSTRONG (stepping onto the moon): One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.

Following is a list of elisions in which I dont use an apostrophe: arent, cant, couldnt, didnt, doesnt, dont, hadnt, hasnt, havent, Im, isnt, its, Ive, shouldnt, thats, theres, theyd, theyve, theyre, wasnt, werent, wont, wouldnt, youd, youll, youre, youve. xiv FOREWORD I982 This page intentionally left blank True / False Test Kids in school love true-or-false tests because they have a 50-50 chance of being right even if they havent studied at all. Tonight, I thought we'd have a little true-or-false test of our own, just for fun. First question: "President Reagan was never nominated for an Academy Award." True or false? He's probably a better President than he was an actor. "Theres no business like show business." True or false? ROONEY: That landing on the moon in 1969 was one of the single most exciting events in the whole history of the world.

• Your Nuts 1998 • 373 The IQ of an Audience • Differences • Clinton • Opinions • Valentine's Day • Vans • Olympics • Fred W.

Friendly • Tobacco • Andy Reviews The Times • Kenneth Starr • The Cancer Cure • Visitors with Money • Baseball • Impeach • We're the Good Guys 1999 ' 399 Andy Answers His Mail • Ingredients • America • Budget Surplus • The Cat Show • Monica • Wealth of Information • Hitler and Kosovo • Mail • Bombs • We Want Answers Not Questions • Old Clothes • In the News • Mr. • The Bank's Problem • Andy's World • Bumpers • Women on Submarines 2000 • 427 Too Good To Be True • What's the Symbolism?

True, but theres no business like the insurance business or the used car business, either. "Hamlet is the name of a small town in Iowa." False. PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON (on phone to astronauts on moon): For every American, this has to be the proudest day of our lives. ROONEY: Its as if we had pictures of Christopher Columbus discovering America.

The moon, of course, turned out to be one big dull rock.

Because no one speaks as he writes and no one writes as he speaks, words put down on paper to be read aloud are written in a different style than words to be read in silence by eyes alone.

A speaker can add nuances of meaning with inflections in his or her voice or put in pauses and stops for which there are no adequate punctuation marks.

Tell us we'll be able to spy on the Russians—look right through the Kremlin windows. We want someone up there looking down who can catch the guy breaking into our house.

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